...can't waste time so give it a moment
i realize, nothing's broken
No need to wory about eveyrthing I'd done
live every second like it was my last one
don't look back, got a new direction
I loved you once
needed protection
you're still a part of everything I do
you're on my heart just like a tattoo

And the other night, I cried myself to sleep again. In all honesty, it's so ridiculous. I dont' know why I'm hurting so much. I dont' know how to make make it better, how to band-aid this hurt. Some nights, I dream of how idfferent my life could be. So different. And I think of how different a person I would be.
work hard, play hard
I don't have regrest for who I am. I don't hate who I've become. Some nights, I wonder if I will tomorrow. But what does that matter? Vaguely, I remember once hearing this quoate. It talked about not regretting what you do, but what you don't. And then I wonder... if I had a chance to go back, and re0do my life, would I do it different? Would I see it differently? Would it matter ?Does it matter? - these thoughts are so useless.

Some days pass by, and I forget.

just like a tattoo, i'll always have you.

"Trust me. I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels,
to cry in the shower so no one can hear you,
waiting for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart,
for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end.
I know exactly how it feels."

and i'll cry myself to sleep again, just like every other night.

envy.
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The fisherman replied, only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions.. Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.

your eyes, as we said our goodbyes,
can't get them out of my mind
and I find I can't hidee
... from your eyes;
the ones that took me by surprise
the night you came into my life,
where there's moonlight, i see your eyes

how'd I let you slip away when I'm longing so to hold you,
now I'd die for one more day...
cuz there's something I should've told you

there's something I should've told you
when I looked into your eyes

why does distance make us wise;
you were the song all along,
and before the song dies...
... i should tell you. I should tell you,
i have always loved you
... you can see it in my eyes

Here we lay face to face once again
silence cuts like a knife as we pretend
and I'm wonder who will be the first to say wha twe both know
we're jus tholding on to "could have been" and we should be letting go

It feels like you're a million miles away as you're lying here with me tonight
I can't even find the words to say I can find a way to make it right
and we both know that the story's ending
we play the part but we're jus pretending
and I can't hide the tars,
cuz even though you're here

it feels like you're a million miles away

someone asked me,
what do you want? honestly speaking

honestly? really, truly, honestly?

I want to get to know him. i want to be his best friend and chat with him about anything... everything. i want to be able to call him up and chill, and i want to be able to just be in eacher's presence and enjoy our friendship

but
i don't want a serious relationship. i don't want to be obligated to talk to him, i don't want him around every weekend. i don't want to have to check up on him if i'm going to a party, or out with some guy friends

on the other hand.. i want to be able to call him my boyfriend. i want to be able to say he's mine, and i want to have someone to wrap my arms around, to tell me i'm beautiful

and at the same time,
i dont' want everyone to know. i dont' want to be seen as a couple, to be joined at the him, and i don't want to spend a lot of time with him

so maybe i'm deluding myself. maybe i just like the chase. but all of a sudden when he starts to slip out of my grasp, i want him back in my life.
honestly, you always want most the one thing you can't have.

I remember like it was yesterday
first kiss and i knew you changed the game
so special, boy it's your
smile
i can't get enough of your love

there are always other fish in the sea. no matter how you look at it. there is always someone nicer. someone kinder.. funnier. taller. broader. someone better looking; someone more beautiful. someone who cares more. someone who works less. who plays flewer games, but has bigger dreams. there's always someone more worth your time; someone who wants you more.

so it's okay. heads up; if this boy doesn't want you enough, maybe he isn't that someone. don't waste your time playing his games. ; it's your heart, hands, tears. if he missed out, that's his loss, because for you, there are always bigger fish in the sea.

remember that, because sometimes i loose perspective
remember to feel real.

you're my every, everything i could ever dream of

<3 <3 <3

cw: 128
ugw: 118
by saturday: 123